12.17.2012

Hurting in Newtown

The media is suffocating, clogging the roads and parking lots with bright lights and satellite dishes and polished professionals putting on too much makeup in their caravans before venturing out to stick a camera in our weary faces.

But I don't want them to go away.

Because as hard as it is to see my quiet sleepy town on the 24 hour news cycle, it is far far worse to turn on the television ... or twitter or facebook ... and not see it. To see life resume, with Christmas specials and NFL games and reality shows that in no way mirror the nightmare we who call Newtown home are living. I don't want people to think the hurting is over, because it's only just begun.

We can't change the channel. We can't resume regular scheduled programming. 

The memorials loom large on street corners, schools, firehouses, and churches. Tear stained faces sob from grocery store aisles. No one is merry and bright.

When you watch the news, you're seeing my friends, family, and neighbors. You see, I know these dead kids. I know these dead teachers. I know the survivors and first responders. We all do. It's why we live here: we made our home in a town where everybody knows everybody, and that happens here every day, and now on the darkest days. 

The texts and emails rolled in from afar ..."OMG! Newtown! Did you know anybody?"

This is Newtown. We know everybody.

We are connected, we are strong, and everyone who lives here knows we are never alone. But far too many of my friends and neighbors are quite distinctly separate now. They experienced a grief that I can't begin to fathom. My family came home.

I am used to juggling December with work and games and holiday concerts and shopping. I am not used to trying to fit so many funerals and wakes into such a short period of time, while trying desperately to reassure my kids and husband that everything is going to be okay. Because I am not so sure it is.



*I used to write this blog anonymously: small town, small state. No longer. Please read back thru to see a somewhat accurate, yet often snarky, picture of "before" ... before you all knew the place I love to call home: Newtown, Connecticut. 

27 comments:

  1. Oh Kathy...I am so sorry for your loss, for your town.

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  2. Thanks for sharing Kathy. I am so sorry for you, your family, your neighbors, your friends, your town. We are all praying for you and we try to imagine what you are going through, but we can't. It's unimaginable. There are no words of comfort we can offer, we can just let you know we are here and we will never forget the heroes and the victims. Laurel

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    1. thanks, my beautiful friend, for sharing the love.

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  3. I have no words you know I suck at words. The feelings I have are foreign. This is really real !? Painful through the core, paralyzing yet such a yearning to want to take action too. Do something, which I will do--ugly writing. To our government. You name it. Derailed and sad- as a human, a parent, an American. Lots of other feelings that are new to be used as fuel. With you as you wade through the indescribable in your precious and strong town. In the country we call home. Love to you all.

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  4. As always, you've poured yourself into another great piece, albeit through the pain and grief of this tragedy. While I can't begin to fathom what you're actually going through, my heart goes out to you, your friends, and your community. I have been praying for you daily, and hope that along with the masses of others doing so, we are collectively sending a blanket of small comfort to Newtown. There is probably little solace I can offer other than to let you know I'm here for you, and I care....Laurel is right...we'll never forget the victims or the heroes, nor will we neglect to keep those left behind to pick up the pieces in our hearts and in our prayers. God Bless. Amy

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    1. it's so real and raw. yesterday saw a truckdriver pull over to the side of Rte 25, and walk to a memorial a bit removed.. He fell to his knees in tears at the reality of it all. This is everyone's town now. xo to you my friend.

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  5. Keep writing and sharing and connecting because we want to be here for Newtown and for you! This horror show is too big for one person, one family, one town. We all need to take it on so we can lend our hearts and show our might in whatever way we need to make life bearable somehow.

    When the camera crews go, we will be here.

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    1. yes, yes, ...what Deborah said.
      We are here, always.

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    2. thanks my talented friends. it is too big -- it's crushing with its enormity. thanks for sharing the burden. xo

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  6. Kate, I am so upset for your "quiet little town" I know very little of what horrors you're going through, I can only imagine, because I think about Newtown every day and just cry in pain for how such a picturesque community could have something this horrific happen to it, not that it should happen anywhere, but Newtown is an ideal place and even harder to imagine that such heart breaking evil can happen there.My thoughts, prayers,and hope for tomorrow are with all of you.

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    1. You knew us before the world did. please remember that town.

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  7. Oh Kate.
    Oh my friend.
    I wish you knew just how much my heart is trying to share some of your burden, share the sorrow.
    I am not forgetting..and I'm here if you need anything.

    with love.

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    1. Thanks Kir. I so appreciate your everlasting kindness.

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  8. Thank you for "coming out of the closet" and sharing your pain. I live down the coast from you, and while I can't fathom the pain that you, your neighbors, your town is in, I know how bad my own heart hurts and how often my own tears flow. I'm so very sorry that your family has to experience all of this. I will remember them all--from the littlest victim to the oldest, to the first responders and the coroners, to the community who gathered together with such unity people had to stand outside and look through windows. My love and prayers pour out to you.

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    1. Thanks for you love. Please remember us long after the cameras leave. hug your kids. tight.

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  9. My heart breaks for you, and there are no words, none, that can express what I feel, or describe what happened.

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    1. thank you kindly. pls remember after the media has forgotten.

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  10. I am so, so sorry for your town and the great loss that you have all suffered. I grew up in a small town and know that, "yes I know everyone" feeling. There are truly no words adequate enough, but I know that across the country, there are many in my neighborhood mourning with you. I have a Kindergartner too and I can't even begin to imagine the suffering...

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    1. Thanks Stacey. It's too unbelievable for words. Our town is every town. It truly is.

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  11. OMG, I didn't realize you live in Newtown. I'm so sorry for the losses your community has suffered.

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    1. Thanks for connecting; Newtown is hurting but we will heal. I hope.

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  12. I am so sorry for your community and my heart breaks every time I see anything related to this tragedy. As a mom of 2 elementary school children I cant imagine the horror these poor families are going through and can only offer prayers and healing thoughts to everyone

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    1. Thanks for writing; the pain is palpable everywhere -- grocery stores, bus stops, post office. Those with victims are always in our thoughts. Thanks for keeping them in yours.

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  13. I'm so sorry. All I can say and do is pray. Huge, big hugs.

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