Fart Noises

Not very festive, is it?

Bear with me.

Went to Boy's fancy-pants travel basketball game, which for those of you without ball scratching sports obsessed 12 year old, it's when you pay lots of money to drive all over the state to play kids of equal caliber of supreme athletic ability, ignoring friends, family and work commitments for most of the "season."

This particular game was down-county, about five tax brackets away, where the moms all look alike and the dads show up in shiny European loafer type shoes. I am county-profiling, make no mistake about it.

We do not belong.

And not for nothing, their kids play some kick-ass hoops and wallop our butts ever single time we make the $400,000 drive out of our timezone.

We do really, truly do not belong.

But fart noises are universal, and apparently, they fart even on the richer, top 1% of the pay scale, part of the state.

So when our big guy went to take his well deserved foul shot, a little spawn of the rich and affluent let a fart noise rip.


He must have been about 6, and really, farts are funny at 46, so they're really, really funny at 6. But as he continued to blow raspberries into the silent gym, no one, except the ref, asked him to stop.

Except me.

I trotted my Costco wearing ass over to the little Richie Rich and whispered, "Dude, farts are sooooo funny! But could you pretty pretty please not make those noises when they're shooting foul shots? It's unsportsmanship-like. You know, kinda mean."

He nodded.

"Let 'em rip when they're playing, but let's pinky-swear to be quiet during foul shots, cool?"

We pinky swore.

Cute kid.

Until later, when his Dad yelled down the sideline to his mini-me:


This solidifies my extensive market research of 19 years of parenting that there are no bad kids, just bad parents. And bad parenting has no income cap at all.

PS: And the moms all down there should stay out of the sun and for god's sake have a burger. Or a little eggnog or somethin'.


  1. Needed a laugh today! Yes, eggnog definitely should be had by all:

    Real Eggnog (you know, with the yolks!)

    12 large egg yolks, room temperature
    1½ cups sugar
    4½ cups whole milk
    1½ cups half-and-half
    1 cup whiskey (Maker's Mark for the $$$)
    Freshly grated nutmeg
    1½ teaspoons vanilla extract

    1. Using an electric mixer, whip egg yolks on medium-high speed until thickened and pale, about 1 minute. Gradually add sugar and whip until completely dissolved, about 2 minutes; set aside.

    2. Heat milk and half-and-half just to simmer in a saucepan over medium heat. Using an electric mixer, whip the yolk-sugar mixture on medium-low speed, gradually adding hot milk mixture until combined, about 2 minutes. Transfer mixture to pot and cook over medium heat, whisking constantly, until mixture registers 160 degrees, about 30 seconds.

    3. Off heat, stir in whiskey, 2 teaspoons nutmeg, and vanilla and transfer to large container. Let cool over ice bath, about 10 minutes. Refrigerate until well chilled, about 1½ hours. Serves 12.

  2. I TOTALLY drink real egg eggnog. A xmas tradition in our raw-egg lovin' house. Except now it goes right to my ass and arteries, so need to cut that crap out. I have similar recipe: except we're a Jack Daniels family, and use a quart of vanilla ice cream to boot. yummmmmmm....feel those ass cheeks spreading as I type this! Thank's AM! Will toast you xmas eve!

  3. OMG!!! Where have you been all my life??? Or at least my blogging life. We must have been separated at birth. Of course, you stayed en uterine much longer that I did.

  4. Darlin', I've been here: pregnant thru the 90s, driving carpool until 2010, and now trying to keep 3 teens and a tween drug free, not prego, and aiming to OUT OF MY HOUSE post graduation. That's the plan!